Aloha Politics

And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn’t matter. They’re all packed. There’s one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch. The parking garage is always full, the Cheesecake Factory is working overtime, and Lady Gaga’s new perfume — with its delightful scent of blood and semen — is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom’s.

What I’m saying is, I know it’s campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we’re all doing our laundry in the river? (wild audience applause)

Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I’m always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel, or batteries, or nipple moisturizer. Traffic is a bitch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk, but that’s to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have! (audience applause)

It just doesn’t feel like Obama has ruined America. Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks, whose pensions and 401(k)’s depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps, because under President Blackenstein, the Dow has doubled. Or as Republicans call it, “devastating economic news”. (audience applause)

Now, there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it’s obviously among the underclass that you don’t see — the very people that today’s Republicans couldn’t give a shit about! So I don’t understand why they’re all so upset about the economy. Except, of course, it’s their big issue. So they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their ass with the pennysaver. (audience applause)

And weirdly, Obama kinda has to pretend that too. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s “out of touch”. So we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office. Remember 2008? (audience applause) Yeah, I do.

That’s when Lehman Brothers collapsed, and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot. And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from The Ring, and then you died.

And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It’s the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you’re sick of hearing historians say it, doesn’t mean it stopped being true. (wild audience applause)

George Bush left a flaming pile of dog shit on the White House steps, and now it’s gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that “I’m going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it”.

12 million jobs. That’s what Mitt Romney promises. 12 million. A number that’s just… waaaaay up there. (reaches into ass to pull it out) Oh, there it is, wow! There it is, 12 million! (wild audience applause) Way up there! Hoo, boy, I feel better.

And about 45% of American voters hear that and say, “I like. Me want good now.”

People are disappointed in the economy? Sorry. I was disappointed in Prometheus. You don’t like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.

That’s our show!

And remember – Romney and hedge fund operators do NOT contribute to the economic well-being. They do NOT create well=paying jobs. They take money for their benefit, at low and/or subsidized tax rates, without truly benefiting either most Americans or American society as a whole. They are predators, they are vulture capitalists as Rick Perry rightly noted. They are selfish bastards.

Go here for the full story: Romney’s tax situation is a telling exemplar+

Do we really need a Lobbyist-in-chief in the nation’s highest office? HUH? DO WE ??????Mitt Romney’s Latest ‘SMH Moment’: Offends All of London While In London

UPDATEThis headline from BusinessWeek doesn’t bode well: International Audition: Romney Faces High Stakes–

Mitt Romney — a one-term governor untested on the world’s political stage — faces high stakes in the coming week during visits to England, Israel and Poland. It’s a trip that amounts to an international audition.

The Republican presidential candidate is seeking to persuade voters back home to elect him their leader in a complex, dangerous world. And his trip will invite comparisons to Barack Obama’s successful overseas 2008 tour before he won the White House.

Note the second paragraph. Obama positively NAILED IT four years ago on a similar trip. Always the statesman, as opposed to Rom the Don Gaffe Juan.

UPDATE X2HuffPo is reporting that Romney was a registered lobbyist for the

His Olympics success was pivotal in his winning run for Massachusetts governor in 2002, and it may turn out to be just as important in his current campaign for the presidency. It’s why he plans on cheering from the good seats when the opening ceremonies commence for the summer games in London this week.But when it comes to the retelling of his Olympics story, Romney never mentions the L word. Lobbyist.

Romney wasn’t just the head of the Salt Lake Organizing Committee. Romney was also a registered lobbyist for the organization, Utah state records show.

Do we really need a Lobbyist-in-chief in the nation’s highest office?

UPDATE X3Oh, the irony…

From The Australian: Mitt Romney UK Trip Mired in Racism

MITT Romney’s attempt to promote his presidential campaign during a trip to London has been marred by suggestions of racism after one of his advisers allegedly told a British newspaper that Barack Obama did not understand the “Anglo-Saxon heritage” shared by Britain and the US….

Perhaps tellingly, the Romney campaign did not deny the accuracy of the quote or seek a retraction from the newspaper.

…

The discomfort did not end there, however. In London to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics, Mr Romney dumped diplomacy for candour during an interview when asked, given his experience as chief organiser of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, what he thought of local preparations.

Glad to hear foreign newspapers throw the word “racism” around without the egg-shell stepping that goes on in our neck of the woods. And reporting the news without the rose-colored glasses of false equivalencies. Refreshing, to say the least.

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about the Boston Globe story that confirms Romney left Bain in 2002–not 1999 as he so often lies.  This is important because it confirms that he:

1. Bankrupted even more companies
2. Sent jobs to China
3. Harvested fetuses for profit

Politico however has taken a very serious fourth approach that is quiet shocking.  FactCheck.org: Romney ‘would be guilty of a federal felony’ by claiming 1999 departure

Now I ask you? I mean really!!!! Is What Romney Does For A Living In The Spirit of the 4th of July?

Where the Money Lives

For all Mitt Romney’s touting of his business record, when it comes to his own money the Republican nominee is remarkably shy about disclosing numbers and investments. Nicholas Shaxson delves into the murky world of offshore finance, revealing loopholes that allow the very wealthy to skirt tax laws, and investigating just how much of Romney’s fortune (with $30 million in Bain Capital funds in the Cayman Islands alone?) looks pretty strange for a presidential candidate.

A person who worked for Mitt Romney at the consulting firm Bain and Co. in 1977 remembers him with mixed feelings. “Mitt was … a really wonderful boss,” the former employee says. “He was nice, he was fair, he was logical, he said what he wanted … he was really encouraging.” But Bain and Co., the person recalls, pushed employees to find out secret revenue and sales data on its clients’ competitors. Romney, the person says, suggested “falsifying” who they were to get such information, by pretending to be a graduate student working on a proj­ect at Harvard. (The person, in fact, was a Harvard student, at Bain for the summer, but not working on any such proj­ects.) “Mitt said to me something like ‘We won’t ask you to lie. I am not going to tell you to do this, but [it is] a really good way to get the information.’ … I would not have had anything in my analysis if I had not pretended.

“It was a strange atmosphere. It did leave a bad taste in your mouth,” the former employee recalls.