Aloha Politics

And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn’t matter. They’re all packed. There’s one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch. The parking garage is always full, the Cheesecake Factory is working overtime, and Lady Gaga’s new perfume — with its delightful scent of blood and semen — is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom’s.

What I’m saying is, I know it’s campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we’re all doing our laundry in the river? (wild audience applause)

Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I’m always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel, or batteries, or nipple moisturizer. Traffic is a bitch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk, but that’s to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have! (audience applause)

It just doesn’t feel like Obama has ruined America. Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks, whose pensions and 401(k)’s depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps, because under President Blackenstein, the Dow has doubled. Or as Republicans call it, “devastating economic news”. (audience applause)

Now, there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it’s obviously among the underclass that you don’t see — the very people that today’s Republicans couldn’t give a shit about! So I don’t understand why they’re all so upset about the economy. Except, of course, it’s their big issue. So they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their ass with the pennysaver. (audience applause)

And weirdly, Obama kinda has to pretend that too. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s “out of touch”. So we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office. Remember 2008? (audience applause) Yeah, I do.

That’s when Lehman Brothers collapsed, and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot. And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from The Ring, and then you died.

And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It’s the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you’re sick of hearing historians say it, doesn’t mean it stopped being true. (wild audience applause)

George Bush left a flaming pile of dog shit on the White House steps, and now it’s gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that “I’m going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it”.

12 million jobs. That’s what Mitt Romney promises. 12 million. A number that’s just… waaaaay up there. (reaches into ass to pull it out) Oh, there it is, wow! There it is, 12 million! (wild audience applause) Way up there! Hoo, boy, I feel better.

And about 45% of American voters hear that and say, “I like. Me want good now.”

People are disappointed in the economy? Sorry. I was disappointed in Prometheus. You don’t like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.

That’s our show!

Be a Super PAC Watchdog You can do something about misleading political advertising

The top Republican candidates share a single, radical vision: to trash the environment, shred the safety net and aid the rich.

Capitulation: 60 House DEMOCRATS Embrace Austerity, Sign-Off on Medicare Cuts, Defunding Government
Here they are the disgusting whores of the Democratic Party. Follow the link above to the whole article.

Robert E. Andrews (N.J.)
John Barrow (Ga.)
Timothy Bishop (N.Y.)
Dan Boren (Okla.)
Leonard Boswell (Iowa)
Dennis Cardoza (Calif.)
John Carney (Del.)
Kathy Castor (Fla.)
Ben Chandler (Ky.)
Emanuel Cleaver II (Mo.)
Gerry Connolly (Va.)
Jim Cooper (Tenn.)
Jim Costa (Calif.)
Henry Cuellar (Texas)
Danny K. Davis (Ill.)
Peter DeFazio (Ore.)
Diana DeGette (Colo.)
Norm Dicks (Wash.)
Chaka Fattah (Pa.)
John Garamendi (Calif.)
Brian Higgins (N.Y.)
Jim Himes (Conn.)
Steny Hoyer (Md.)
Dale Kildee (Mich.)
Ron Kind (Wis.)
Rick Larsen (Wash.)
John Larson (Conn.)
Daniel Lipinski (Ill.)
David Loebsack (Iowa)
Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.)
Jim Matheson (Utah)
Mike McIntyre (N.C.)
Gregory Meeks (N.Y.)
James Moran (Va.)
William Owens (N.Y.)
Bill Pascrell (N.J.)
Ed Perlmutter (Colo.)
Gary Peters (Mich.)
Collin Peterson (Minn.)
Chellie Pingree (Maine)
Jared Polis (Colo.)
David Price (N.C.)
Mike Quigley (Ill.)
Nick Rahall (W.Va.)
Mike Ross (Ark.)
Steven Rothman (N.J.)
Dutch Ruppersberger (Md.)
Adam Schiff (Calif.)
Kurt Schrader (Ore.)
Allyson Schwartz (Pa.)
Terri Sewell (Ala.)
Heath Shuler (N.C.)
Adam Smith (Wash.)
Mike Thompson (Calif.)
Niki Tsongas (Mass.)
Peter Visclosky (Ind.)
Tim Walz (Minn.)
Mel Watt (N.C.)
Peter Welch (Vt.)
John Yarmuth (Ky.)

Go here to the NYT for the fulll story: The Inevitable Nominee.

Please do not listen to any of them. Ignore the Politico daily briefings, the Rasmussen tracking polls, the angst from conservative activists over Romney’s past deviations and present-day dishonesties. Please ignore me as well, should campaign fever inspire a column about the Santorum surge or the Huntsman scenario. Because barring an unprecedented suspension of the laws of American politics, Mitt Romney has this thing wrapped up.