Aloha Politics

And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn’t matter. They’re all packed. There’s one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch. The parking garage is always full, the Cheesecake Factory is working overtime, and Lady Gaga’s new perfume — with its delightful scent of blood and semen — is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom’s.

What I’m saying is, I know it’s campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we’re all doing our laundry in the river? (wild audience applause)

Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I’m always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel, or batteries, or nipple moisturizer. Traffic is a bitch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk, but that’s to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have! (audience applause)

It just doesn’t feel like Obama has ruined America. Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks, whose pensions and 401(k)’s depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps, because under President Blackenstein, the Dow has doubled. Or as Republicans call it, “devastating economic news”. (audience applause)

Now, there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it’s obviously among the underclass that you don’t see — the very people that today’s Republicans couldn’t give a shit about! So I don’t understand why they’re all so upset about the economy. Except, of course, it’s their big issue. So they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their ass with the pennysaver. (audience applause)

And weirdly, Obama kinda has to pretend that too. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s “out of touch”. So we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office. Remember 2008? (audience applause) Yeah, I do.

That’s when Lehman Brothers collapsed, and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot. And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from The Ring, and then you died.

And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It’s the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you’re sick of hearing historians say it, doesn’t mean it stopped being true. (wild audience applause)

George Bush left a flaming pile of dog shit on the White House steps, and now it’s gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that “I’m going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it”.

12 million jobs. That’s what Mitt Romney promises. 12 million. A number that’s just… waaaaay up there. (reaches into ass to pull it out) Oh, there it is, wow! There it is, 12 million! (wild audience applause) Way up there! Hoo, boy, I feel better.

And about 45% of American voters hear that and say, “I like. Me want good now.”

People are disappointed in the economy? Sorry. I was disappointed in Prometheus. You don’t like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.

That’s our show!

Hello, everybody.

In the State of the Union, I laid out three areas we need to focus on if we’re going to build an economy that lasts: new American manufacturing, new skills and education for American workers, and new sources of American-made energy.

These days, we’re getting another painful reminder why developing new energy is so important to our future. Just like they did last year, gas prices are starting to climb. Only this time, it’s happening earlier. And that hurts everyone – everyone who owns a car; everyone who owns a business. It means you have to stretch your paycheck even further. Some folks have no choice but to drive a long way to work, and high gas prices are like a tax straight out of their paychecks.

Now, some politicians always see this as a political opportunity. And since it’s an election year, they’re already dusting off their three-point plans for $2 gas. I’ll save you the suspense: Step one is drill, step two is drill, and step three is keep drilling. We hear the same thing every year.

Well the American people aren’t stupid. You know that’s not a plan – especially since we’re already drilling. It’s a bumper sticker. It’s not a strategy to solve our energy challenge. It’s a strategy to get politicians through an election.

You know there are no quick fixes to this problem, and you know we can’t just drill our way to lower gas prices. If we’re going to take control of our energy future and avoid these gas price spikes down the line, then we need a sustained, all-of-the-above strategy that develops every available source of American energy – oil, gas, wind, solar, nuclear, biofuels, and more. We need to keep developing the technology that allows us to use less oil in our cars and trucks; in our buildings and plants. That’s the strategy we’re pursuing, and that’s the only real solution to this challenge.

Now, we absolutely need safe, responsible oil production here in America. That’s why under my Administration, America is producing more oil today than at any time in the last eight years. In 2010, our dependence on foreign oil was under 50% for the first time in more than a decade. And while there are no short-term silver bullets when it comes to gas prices, I’ve directed my administration to look for every single area where we can make an impact and help consumers in the months ahead, from permitting to delivery bottlenecks to what’s going on in the oil markets.

But over the long term, an all-of-the-above energy strategy means we have to do more. It means we have to make some choices.

Here’s one example. Right now, four billion of your tax dollars subsidize the oil industry every year. Four billion dollars.

Imagine that. Maybe some of you are listening to this in your car right now, pulling into a gas station to fill up. As you watch those numbers rise, know that oil company profits have never been higher. Yet somehow, Congress is still giving those same companies another four billion dollars of your money. That’s outrageous. It’s inexcusable. And it has to stop.

A century of subsidies to the oil companies is long enough. It’s time to end taxpayer giveaways to an industry that’s never been more profitable, and use that money to reduce our deficit and double-down on a clean energy industry that’s never been more promising. Because of the investments we’ve already made, the use of wind and solar energy in this country has nearly doubled – and thousands of Americans have jobs because of it. And because we put in place the toughest fuel economy standards in history, our cars will average nearly 55 miles per gallon by the middle of the next decade – something that, over time, will save the typical family more than $8,000 at the pump. Now Congress needs to keep that momentum going by renewing the clean energy tax credits that will lead to more jobs and less dependence on foreign oil.

Look, we know there’s no silver bullet that will bring down gas prices or reduce our dependence on foreign oil overnight. But what we can do is get our priorities straight, and make a sustained, serious effort to tackle this problem. That’s the commitment we need right now. And with your help, it’s a commitment we can make. Thank you.

Why don’t you know the facts of the EU social safety net? Why won’t the plutocrat owned American media cover this?

In the European Union everyone to include low wage workers who aren’t even unionized are able to receive 4 weeks paid vacation a year. They are able to receive as a human right complete medical and dental to include a prescription plan with little or no co-pays or deductibles. They are never exposed to exclusion of medical services based on pre-existing conditions, which seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon. Everyone to include low wage workers gets paid sick leave. Everyone gets job protected paid maternity leave by right of law. Now why don’t these things exist in America? Is it by accident or by design and if it is by design, who designed it? Who profits from it? To whose benefit and whose detriment. Moreover why isn’t this on every news channel. Why is it you have to read about this on a Kos diary. Why isn’t this news headlines all across the country everyday? Who owns those media outlets? Who influences editorial policy. Is the American media complicit in aiding and abetting Wall Street in screwing the American worker and screwing the American taxpayer. Why aren’t we mad as hell about this everyday! When is it enough??

Here are some simple facts, simply put did you know that students in Continental Europe basically don’t have student loan debt? Why don’t you know that?

Isn’t it enough that they’re drowning your kids in student loan debt. You want to know something even crazier which I’m sure you don’t know, did you know the lifetime limit of the Federal Stafford Student Loan hasn’t been increased in over 20 years! Now why the hell is that? Who are they trying to keep out of higher education, could it be that if too many working class stiffs get too educated, that they will try to dismantle this system which is rotten to the core from the inside, because that’s it isn’t it. They want to limit educational opportunity to just their people on the one hand, on the other hand they want to drown you and your kids in student loan debt. Did you know this doesn’t happen in any country in Continental Europe, I’m sure you don’t know that. I want to know why you don’t know that? Who has kept that information from you? And why? Did you know and this is serious, that education in Continental Europe is almost free. Let me just say that again, so that nobody thinks this is a typo, education in Continental Europe is almost free of charge that is to say, that American students probably spend as much or more on books, just books for the school year, than students in Continental Europe spend in an entire year’s tuition. You may ask how is that possible? Let me ask you how is it possible that you didn’t know that? Could it be so they can continue to drown you and your kids in student loan debt, because this has become a source of neo-indentured servitude, therein creating a really compliant workforce, because now you really need that job. You have got to pay off a lot of student debt, imagine that. Well you don’t have to imagine that, you live it everyday, and you swallow it and you take it and you take it until you can’t take it anymore, and then it’s enough! Oh by the way those same students in Europe get virtually free health insurance and if they have a family they are covered as well. Again tiny or no co-pays or deductibles, no pre-existing conditions to exclude one from health care coverage.

Go here for the full story: Why doesn’t the plutocrat owned American media report on the European social safety net?+

If we hadn’t deregulated banks and markets, we wouldn’t be facing the kind of disaster that we’ve seen over the last three years. If we hadn’t drastically reduced tax rates for the wealthy, we wouldn’t have seen pension funds dry up and middle class wages stagnate. If we hadn’t given corporations more and more political clout, we wouldn’t be where we are—in a broken system that serves them, not us.

Go here to read a really simply put well written article using baseball as a metaphor: Three strikes against Wall Street