Dear Customer 4512-0957,
We are in receipt of your frankly stunning correspondence (“Correspondence”) requesting that we close your account at GoldWorldBank. This response to that request has been necessarily delayed due to your inability to address the Correspondence properly. In point of fact, GoldWorldBank has no “Department of Scum-Sucking Weasels” at this or any other location (although, in an attempt to route your letter correctly, it was forwarded to our Human Resources Department — which, as you would know if you bothered to read page 198-B of our recent SEC filing, is now headquartered in Pazardzhik, Bulgaria – for review).
(FYI, your attempts to close the account online or in person were not rebuffed, as the Correspondence suggests, by
“Fascist Slugs Masquerading as Customer Service Representatives,”
but by your failure to follow the standard procedures to which you agreed by opening an Account with GoldWorldBank.)
The Correspondence also appears to suggest that the current “balance” of your account is “$1,431.75″ and that this amount should be “forwarded” to you “immediately.” I will admit that your calculation caused some hilarity here in the Customer Service Department! (Please share in our mirth: HAHAHA!)
As you may recall, when you opened your “Privileged Service Platinum Checking Account” here at GoldWorldBank, you signed binding legal agreements (“Agreements”), which contained, among other terms, the following (referenced on line 43 of page 6 of the Disclosure Statement and directing you to read Online Document B at GoldWorldBank.com at page 512, paragraph 31b):
Upon requesting (or attempting to request) an account closure, the following statement must be included no further than the second paragraph and must be in italics, to-wit: “I give you all and singular my estate and interest, right, title and claim, and advantage of and in that orange, with all its rind, skin, juice, pulp and pips, and all right and advantage therein, with full power to bite, cut, suck, and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away, as fully and effectually as I, said A.B., am now entitled to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the same orange, or give the same away with or without its rind, juice, pulp and pips, anything heretofore or hereafter, or in other deed or deeds, instrument or instruments, of what nature or kind soever, to the contrary in any wise notwithstanding.”
(This, of course, is done for your own security and to prevent a third party from attempting to close your account and take the funds therefrom.)
Notably, this phrase was not included in the Correspondence. Instead, as you may recall, the second paragraph of same began with a scatological reference to the anatomy of our esteemed Chief Executive Officer, which was both unnecessary and, in most respects, inaccurate.
Accordingly (please see Online Document F at GoldWorldBank.com at page 31, paragraph II.m), the following Funds Under Critical Knowledge Closure Policies and Procedures apply:
1. An Account Closure Fee in an amount calculated by multiplying the highest balance of the Account during the past 14 months by the number of months the account has been opened and divided by your current Credit Score. Unfortunately for you, your Credit Score was reduced by 105 points as a result of your decision to close your account (please see Online Document M at GoldWorldBank.com at page 12)! This fee equals $103.09.
2. An Online Security Fee in an amount calculated by multiplying the number of characters in your “User Name” by the number of characters in your PIN and divided by the current cost of a First Class Stamp. (Yay for you! First Class Stamps are now .44!!) In your case, this fee equals $3.63. (Too bad you named your dog ImpeachBush – think of what you would have saved had you chosen the more appropriate Rover!))
3. A Response to Request for Closure Fee, which GoldWorldBank.com sets on a revolving basis, calculated by multiplying the current price of gold multiplied by the unemployment rate in your Zip Code and divided by the then-current monthly compensation of the bank’s esteemed Chief Executive Officer. Thank your lucky stars that a lot of people in your Zip Code do not understand the value of having been born rich and connected and/or do not know how to work hard! (See Cain, Herman.) (For ease of reference, please see GoldWorldBank.com at Enclosure 1, paragraph A.) While GoldWorldBank would consider waiving this fee in your pathetic case, GoldWorldBank declines to do so. Instead, GoldWorldBank has elected the “Charge In Lieu of Fee” in an amount of $102. Perhaps, in the future, you will reconsider any decision to refer to the Chief Financial Officer as an “insane cannibalistic wolverine” in writing. (While GoldWorldBank regrets that Enclosure 1 remains available solely in Norwegian, good luck challenging this! We have fabulous counsel in Oslo.)
These required fees reduce the so-called “balance” to which you referred to $1222.03.
A review of your recent statements, however, indicates that you also failed to include GoldWorldBank’s “Annual Account Access Fees” in your calculation of the “balance.” As you know, since October 1, 2010, each attempt by you to (a) review your account online and/or (b) withdraw money from your account (whether by check or online transaction) has resulted in a charge to that account equal to the then-current daily balance multiplied by the then-current estimate of the following month’s GDP, divided by the President’s then current net approval number according to WND (please see GoldWorldBank.com at Depositor Rights and Responsibilities at page 93, line 9). In your case (do you spend all day every day online?), that fee currently totals $479.35. We trust you understand the cost to GoldWorldBank of this sort of “activity” by its depositors.
Finally, your calculation of the so-called “balance” neglected to consider GoldWorldBank’s right to make a profit.
As we are sure you agree, responding to the Correspondence, reviewing the agreements you freely accepted by opening an account with GoldWorldBank, processing your request to close said account and posting the required disclosures, statements and rules online (we can’t control Congress!) are expensive endeavors. For this reason, GoldWorldBank is invoking its right (please see GoldWorldBank.com at Stuff Elizabeth Warren Wants at page 56, paragraph E), to charge an additional fee equal to the remaining balance in your account plus $25 for processing and handling.
As this final fee has caused your account to be overdrawn, GoldWorldBank at this time demands from you a total of $63. Upon receipt of this amount (which should be sent in certified funds), we will consider your account closed. An additional fee of $10 per day will be charged for each day you delay in forwarding these funds.
Have a great day!
Henry F. Potter
Customer Service Specialist