Aloha Politics

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I found this interesting essay online and thought folks might like to read it. I excerpted a piece and you can take the leap to read the whole thingy!
Go here for the full story: The ideological Jiu-Jitsu of the GOP in Hawaii

Ever since moving here I have regarded the political clime as, well, mystifying to say the least. Even for such a Democratic state, the Tea Party/GOP/fearful conservative demographic is exceedingly small but very very vocal, and overly funded. The fact that someone like Linda Lingle could ever become Governor of Hawaii attests to this bizarre dynamic. Two or three times a year (especially on “Tax Protest Day”) I can drive into Kona and see the annoying gathering of Tea Party holdouts, their expensive cars parked close by, shaking signs and waving yellow Don’t Tread On Me flags in anger over how we are not living in 1789 anymore. It is rare that you see a dark face amongst their scrubbed, white and slightly sunburned ones. But occasionally you do, and when that happens you are lured into a true Post Turtle moment. For those not aware of the joke, one guy walking a country road sees a turtle placed on top of a fence post and asks a neighbor what it is. The response is “a post turtle”. He asks again what that means, and is answered that no one knows how he got up there, but he doesn’t belong there and everyone agrees he needs to be helped down.

And finally, New Rule: Someone has to tell America’s gun nuts to stop wetting their Army surplus pants about losing the Second Amendment. It’s not your Second Amendment rights that are under attack; it’s all the other ones.

It used to be that law enforcement couldn’t search you without probable cause, but now we’re becoming a quasi-police state where one minute you’re home quietly reading 50 Shades of Grey, and suddenly there’s a SWAT team in your living room waving guns. And you’re going, “No, no, Katt Williams lives next door!”

Now, last month, while no one was taking anyone’s guns from anybody, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to reauthorize a program where they can collect data on any American citizen and hold onto it forever. They can look at your e-mails, your texts, your Skypes, and not a peep out the crowd that’s always bitching about what the framers intended. In fact, the answer from almost everyone seems to be, “Oh what the hell, the airport screeners have already seen my ass anyway.”

The Facebook generation, especially, doesn’t seem to care that Big Brother knows everything about you — what books you read, what movies you watch, your Match.com account, your other Match.com account when you’re feeling a little freaky and wanna meet the sort of woman your regular Match.com account wouldn’t approve of.

Call me old school, but I don’t want the feds Googling what I’m Googling. It’s bad enough when Netflix pries into my private life. “You watched The Walking Dead and Zombieland. You might also like this interview with John McCain.”

(audience laughter)

I don’t want the government doing that! “You downloaded this article favoring the legalization of marijuana. You might also like being incarcerated.”

You know, they always say these programs are just to catch terrorists. The next thing you know, they’re using them to shut down the pot dispensaries. And that place was right on my way home! Now I gotta go to Valley Village!

Doesn’t anyone care that this is the new normal? I guess not, because gun nuts don’t care, and neither do liberals. When Bush did warrantless wiretapping, oh, he was wiping his ass with the Constitution. But when Obama does it, oh well, whatever helps Jessica Chastain find bin Laden, we’re good with that.

(smattering of audience applause)

Yeah, both parties compete mightily to appear to be the greater champion of our freedoms, but the only thing that still has bipartisan support in Washington is not giving a shit about privacy.

And when you talk to the NRA types, as I like to do down at my local moose lodge, they actually believe that what protects their rights isn’t laws, or courts, it’s that they have a gun. They think that’s what keeps the government from going too far. Without guns, Obama would become an emperor and force everyone to gay marry, but he can’t because a guy in Kentucky named Skeeter has a .22.

(audience applause)

Except that, you know, while you guys were buying guns to protect your other guns, sittin’ up on the porch there, waitin’ for Obama’s Negro Army to come confiscate your weapons and go all Django Unchained on your ass — that’s when we lost all the stuff in the Bill of Rights, about trials and juries and warrants.

You see, the Redcoats — they never wanted your gun. They wanted your liberty. And that’s why the Founding Fathers said you could have the gun, dumbass! And now the only right we have left is the guns, and left nothing left to use the guns to protect! We’re like a strip club with a million bouncers and no strippers!

MOre: Maher: ‘It’s not your Second Amendment rights that are under attack — it’s all the other ones’

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And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn’t matter. They’re all packed. There’s one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch. The parking garage is always full, the Cheesecake Factory is working overtime, and Lady Gaga’s new perfume — with its delightful scent of blood and semen — is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom’s.

What I’m saying is, I know it’s campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we’re all doing our laundry in the river? (wild audience applause)

Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I’m always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel, or batteries, or nipple moisturizer. Traffic is a bitch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk, but that’s to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have! (audience applause)

It just doesn’t feel like Obama has ruined America. Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks, whose pensions and 401(k)’s depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps, because under President Blackenstein, the Dow has doubled. Or as Republicans call it, “devastating economic news”. (audience applause)

Now, there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it’s obviously among the underclass that you don’t see — the very people that today’s Republicans couldn’t give a shit about! So I don’t understand why they’re all so upset about the economy. Except, of course, it’s their big issue. So they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their ass with the pennysaver. (audience applause)

And weirdly, Obama kinda has to pretend that too. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s “out of touch”. So we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office. Remember 2008? (audience applause) Yeah, I do.

That’s when Lehman Brothers collapsed, and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot. And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from The Ring, and then you died.

And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It’s the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you’re sick of hearing historians say it, doesn’t mean it stopped being true. (wild audience applause)

George Bush left a flaming pile of dog shit on the White House steps, and now it’s gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that “I’m going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it”.

12 million jobs. That’s what Mitt Romney promises. 12 million. A number that’s just… waaaaay up there. (reaches into ass to pull it out) Oh, there it is, wow! There it is, 12 million! (wild audience applause) Way up there! Hoo, boy, I feel better.

And about 45% of American voters hear that and say, “I like. Me want good now.”

People are disappointed in the economy? Sorry. I was disappointed in Prometheus. You don’t like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.

That’s our show!