And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn’t matter. They’re all packed. There’s one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch. The parking garage is always full, the Cheesecake Factory is working overtime, and Lady Gaga’s new perfume — with its delightful scent of blood and semen — is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom’s.
What I’m saying is, I know it’s campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we’re all doing our laundry in the river? (wild audience applause)
Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I’m always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel, or batteries, or nipple moisturizer. Traffic is a bitch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk, but that’s to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have! (audience applause)
It just doesn’t feel like Obama has ruined America. Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks, whose pensions and 401(k)’s depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps, because under President Blackenstein, the Dow has doubled. Or as Republicans call it, “devastating economic news”. (audience applause)
Now, there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it’s obviously among the underclass that you don’t see — the very people that today’s Republicans couldn’t give a shit about! So I don’t understand why they’re all so upset about the economy. Except, of course, it’s their big issue. So they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their ass with the pennysaver. (audience applause)
And weirdly, Obama kinda has to pretend that too. Because if he doesn’t, then he’s “out of touch”. So we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office. Remember 2008? (audience applause) Yeah, I do.
That’s when Lehman Brothers collapsed, and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot. And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from The Ring, and then you died.
And yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It’s the same as blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you’re sick of hearing historians say it, doesn’t mean it stopped being true. (wild audience applause)
George Bush left a flaming pile of dog shit on the White House steps, and now it’s gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that “I’m going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it”.
12 million jobs. That’s what Mitt Romney promises. 12 million. A number that’s just… waaaaay up there. (reaches into ass to pull it out) Oh, there it is, wow! There it is, 12 million! (wild audience applause) Way up there! Hoo, boy, I feel better.
And about 45% of American voters hear that and say, “I like. Me want good now.”
People are disappointed in the economy? Sorry. I was disappointed in Prometheus. You don’t like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.
The south and west sides of Kaua’i have been home to the world’s largest open-air test fields of genetically modified organisms for nearly two decades. Taking over the land once dominated by a thriving sugarcane industry, DuPont, Pioneer, Syngenta, Dow, BASF and Monsanto now crowd the tiny island’s once pristine landscape with fields of experimental genetically modified crops including corn, soy and sunflowers treated with a variety of experimental pesticide cocktails. Kaua’i's idyllic climate allows the biotech companies to get 3-4 planting seasons in every year.
hnlnow.com – See the latest work from Mary Babcock (O’ahu), Solomon Enos (O’ahu), Jianjie Ji (O’ahu), Jaisy Hanlon (Maui), Sally Lundburg (Hawai’i), and Bruna Stude (Kaua’i). The Biennial of Hawai’i Artists aim…
hnlnow.com – WORKHOUSEpresents: RESPECT THE MIC 2� A now yearly fundraiser from workhouse to help raise funds for YOUTH SPEAKS HAWAI’I programing. This year proceeds will go to the youth speaks Hawai’i Weekly W…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – A resident of an apartment complex where a fire broke out late Wednesday night in the Punahou area, was arrested Friday afternoon on first degree arson charges. Authorit…
hawaiinewsnow.com – Honolulu (HawaiiNewsNow) – The shooting happened around 5:30 Saturday morning at a parking lot off of Kalauokalani way and Kapiolani Boulevard. Police tell us that two people were having an argumen…
hawaiinewsnow.com – Big Island police are asking for the public’s help in locating a 43-year-old Kailua-Kona man wanted for assault and other offenses. Robert Kanuela Tanoai—also known as “Boomer”—is considered armed …
hawaiibusiness.com – The Optimism Index is a valuable leading economic indicator. If business leaders are optimistic about the future, they are more likely to expand their businesses, add inventory, hire more employees…
hawaiibusiness.com – Welcome to Hawaii Business magazine’s Top 100 Realtors for 2012. This is the only objective ranking of Realtors in the state. The information was compiled using the Multiple Listing Service databas…
hawaiinewsnow.com – MANOA (HawaiiNewsNow) – After nearly three years, a new chapter started at a Manoa hangout. Governor Neil Abercrombie joined community members for the grand opening of the new Manoa Public Library…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – Hundreds of keiki hit the water Saturday at Magic Island. That’s where the American Red Cross held its annual free summer swim program. According to the Red Cross, in H…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – Veterans now have a new tool to help them find work once they’re out of the military. A new agreement between McDonald’s of Hawaii and the Army’s Partnership for Youth S…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – The sunny weather Saturday was a welcome sight for thousands who lined the streets of Honolulu to take part in a colorful tradition. The 96th Annual King Kamehameha Flor…
hawaiinewsnow.com – KALAELOA (HawaiiNewsNow) – A surfer nearly drowned at White Plains Beach Saturday. It’s unclear what happened, but one witness told Hawaii News Now the man was competing in a surf contest and was …
hawaiimagazine.com – Hawaii marks King Kamehameha Day with parades, lei-drapings. Here’s where to go. by: Maureen O’Connell posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 at 01:03 PM Hawaii will celebrate its King Kamehameha Day this weeken…
cgvi.uscg.mil – HONOLULU – Guy Hagi, a reporter with Hawaii News Now, documents a search and rescue case conducted by the Coast Guard, June 7, 2012. The news feature documenting a SAR case was a collaboration betw…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – Gov. Neil Abercrombie announced Colin Kippen as his selection to be the state’s next homelessness coordinator Friday and said a new coordinated approach toward the homele…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (AP) – An elderly California couple is suing the landowner of a Waikiki outdoor bazaar, claiming they were injured when a branch from a large banyan tree fell on them. Attorneys for the Ra…
hawaiinewsnow.com – The State Land Use Commission Friday afternoon approved the proposed Hoopili development. The vote was 8 to 1 in favor of the D.R. Horton project. The development would add 11,750-homes on 1,554 ac…
pinterest.com – Welcome to Hawaii’s official travel Pinterest page! We’ll be sharing awesome photos and clips of the Hawaiian Islands. Also check us out at: gohawaii.com & facebook.com/Hawaii
ready.gov – Inspire others to act by being an example yourself, Pledging to Prepare and tell others about it! Click the button below and register your support. A hurricane is a type of tropical cyclone or seve…
khon2.com – Neighbors helped put out a house fire in enchanted lake Tuesday evening. It started in a back bedroom about 8 p.m. Two people were inside but were able to get out safely.Four people in all live on …
hawaiinewsnow.com – The NFL and the NFL Players Association announced Wednesday morning that the 2013 Pro Bowl will be played at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu. The game will be televised live on Sunday, January 27 on NBC …
hawaiinewsnow.com – A 51-year-old Kona man was arrested Wednesday in connection with threatening comments made to the staff of a Big Island Hospital. Kona Patrol Officers responded to a call from Kona Community Hospit…
hawaiinewsnow.com – The Honolulu Fire Department says that a fire that came dangerously close to homes in Kailua on Tuesday was intentionally set. Fire investigators say it appears that the fire was set in multiple lo…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – Honolulu police and CrimeStopppers are asking for the public’s help in locating a man wanted for attempted murder. Police say on Friday night, the suspect pulled out a ha…
hawaiinewsnow.com – HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – Allegiant Airlines, which begins to serve Honolulu this summer, adds another city to its pending Hawaii route network – Monterey, Calif. The one flight per week will begi…
hnlnow.com – Sesame Street Presents: The Body offers an engaging, free-flowing learning experience set in the fun, familiar and reassuring world of Sesame Street. The loveable Sesame Street Muppets anchor an ex…
hnlnow.com – Roughly coinciding with the Roman Empire, the Han dynasty (206 B.C.-A.D. 220) was a pivotal period in Chinese history that significantly shaped China’s cultural identity. Like the ancient Egyptians…
hawaiinewsnow.com – WASHINGTON (AP) – It took Mario Parker-Milligan less than a semester to decide that he was paying too many fees to Higher One, the company hired by his college to pay out students’ financial aid on…
hnlnow.com – Companies have enough to worry about when trying to prevent fraud and security breaches from the outside. Nowadays, it seems as though companies may now have to worry about threats striking a littl…
nfl.com – The 2013 Pro Bowl will be played at Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, Hawaii for the 33rd time, the NFL and NFL Players Association announced today. The game will be televised live on Sunday, January 27 o…
hawaiinewsnow.com – LIHUE, Hawaii (AP) – Beetles that pose a serious threat to honeybees have been found on Kauai. They were first detected on the Big Island in April 2010 and have since spread to Oahu, Maui and Molok…
hawaiinewsnow.com – The Honolulu Fire Department says that a fire that came dangerously close to homes in Kailua on Tuesday was intentionally set. Fire investigators say it appears that the fire was set in multiple lo…
hnlnow.com – Explore the inspirational display of award-winning entries from the BWS’s 2012 Water Conservation Week Poster and Poetry Contests in the Courtyard of Kapolei Hale from May 30 to June 14.� The displ…
huffingtonpost.com – Facebook shares dropped more than 3.2 percent to $37.02 (as of 8:11 a.m) in pre-market action on Monday, according to a Bloomberg report. The drop means that the social network’s stock has dropped …
huffingtonpost.com – Posted: 05/20/2012 9:46 am Updated: 05/20/2012 10:56 pm Geraldo Rivera came down on Trayvon Martin’s clothing again on Friday, arguing that the teenager’s “thug wear” led George Zimmerman to suspec…
thesuiteworld.com – Lindsay Marie gives us a tour through the “Seven Sacred Pools”. Falling off the mountain is fresh mineral water, crashing into the black sand beach, breathtaking! The Pools of ‘Ohe’o (pupularly cal…
tobyneal.net – (ALL NAMES AND DETAILS CHANGED TO PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY.) Some of you know I’m a school counselor and therapist. This year has been interesting as I’m at two schools, one of them without a school…
travel.usatoday.com – The new sci-fi screen version of the popular board game Battleship may be awash in negative reviews, but its leading lady – a well-preserved Navy veteran – is making the most of her Hollywood turn….
secure.actblue.com – Congressman Grijalva is the co-chair of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, and works with us on many issues from the inside. He is in trouble in 2010 not because of of the general political envi…
masqueradecrew.blogspot.fr – “I absolutely recommend it for four to seven year olds.” A charming tale of the courageous and resourceful little Nimpentoad, who leads his tribe of Niblings through the perilous Grunwald Forest, o…
tobyneal.net – (ALL NAMES AND DETAILS CHANGED TO PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY.) Some of you know I’m a school counselor and therapist. This year has been interesting as I’m at two schools, one of them without a school…
travel.usatoday.com – As of July, 2015, Hawaii will become the first U.S. state to bar the “modern day tumbleweed” known as disposable plastic bags. This month’s move by Honolulu County bans non-biodegradable plastic ba…
banyantreeproject.org – The rate of HIV infection is still rising within the Asian & Pacific Islander community in the U.S. However, only two-thirds of Asians, Native Hawaiians, and other Pacific Islanders have been teste…
nytimes.com – Little by little, Hawaii’s iconic beaches are disappearing. Most beaches on the state’s three largest islands are eroding, and the erosion is likely to accelerate as sea levels rise, th…
tobyneal.net – (ALL NAMES AND DETAILS CHANGED TO PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY.) Some of you know I’m a school counselor and therapist. This year has been interesting as I’m at two schools, one of them without a school…
hawaii.look-local.com – So your searching for a Telegraph Communications Business Services in Hickam Afb, Hawaii ? Well we’re sure we have found the right Telegraph Communications Business Services for you in Hickam Afb, …
hawaii-aloha.com – A reader wrote with frustration, “A friend asked me how we say ‘turtle’ in Hawaii. I said ‘TURTLE’!” This exchange touches on two hot points. Yes, English is spoken here and, no matter how exoti…
news.ca.msn.com – By CBC News, cbc.ca, Updated: May-16-12 6:19 PMUN special rapporteur for food Olivier De Schutter said he was in Canada to launch a conversation over a national food strategy, and he certainly star…
timesofisrael.com – Most of the African refugees in Israel engage in crime and should be rounded up in prisons or holding facilities and deported from the country, Interior Minister Eli Yishai (Shas) said in an Army R…
electronicintifada.net – Relatives of Palestinian prisoners held in Israeli jails celebrate after the signing of a deal to end the prisoners hunger strike in Gaza City on 14 May 2012. (APA images)Details of the Israeli co…
dailymail.co.uk – By Daily Mail ReporterPUBLISHED:09:31 EST, 13 May 2012|UPDATED:09:41 EST, 13 May 2012 Questions: The 30-year-old was on a gangster’s list of potential kidnap targets which led his wealthy parents t…
mediamatters.org – Fox Mocked Enhanced Protections In Violence Against Women ActJon Scott: “Why Not Just Pass The Simpler House Version?” After outlining the dispute over the reauthorization of the Violence Against W…
pacificislandparks.com – View looking east at the lava lake, 40-m (130-ft) across, that circulates within a shallow pit on the northeast side of the Puʻu ʻŌʻō crater. The heavy fume in the background is the trace of the la…
tobyneal.net – “Welcome to Hawaii,” says a bumper sticker. “Now go home.” The mystery that is the social strata of life in Hawaii is something I’m exploring in my Lei books, something that’s so complex, multilay…
pacificislandparks.com – The following photos/videos are from today’s Pacific Islander Heritage Day at Pu`ukohola Heiau National Historic Site (continuing till 2pm this afternoon!: Auntie Bertha showing how to make traditi…
kahunaofthekitchen.com – Having spent a couple of weeks in Hawai’i, you could imagine how hard it was getting back to the daily routine. Thinking back to all of the great food, drinks and incredible sunsets, too bad I coul…
hawaiidiscountblog.com – Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I want to take break from writing about Hawaii Activities to say Happy Mother’s Day to all of the moms out there. Eight years ago I was blessed with an amazing baby boy…
jasonstravels.com – A pile of plumeria flowers already covered the table. They were piled high, more than enough for us to string several lei together without running out. But we had walked the dusty field surroundin…
kitv.com – Lions Club volunteers help save city money HONOLULU – On any given morning, Chinatown is bustling with pedestrians criss-crossing through the streets.Dressed in bright yellow shirts and decorated v…
pacificislandparks.com – Lava Rocks and Tide Pools Ranger Ruth explores the meaning and nature of pohaku, the Hawaiian word for rock or stone. Kaloko-Honokohau National Historical Park on the Kona side of the Island of Haw…
gaveltogavel.us – May 2nd, 2012 by Bill Raftery Leave a reply » I mentioned back in early April Hawaii’s SB 650, a constitutional amendment that would allow the state’s chief justice to call retired judges and justi…
